Time to ‘Let Go’

What do I tell her . How do I stop . These things in my head . They’re just going to rot . Should I let go of her . Should I not . It’s just overwhelming whenever she’s around . It’s like thunder and the rainfall as they strike the calm ground . Ok baby . Here it is . This is what I want to say . I know it’s not fair . Everyone’s guilty of their own gamble in solitaire . Things might not seem too good between me and you . That’s because everyday you grow sick of me . Don’t deny the truth . I want to hold on . You want to let go . Well that’s just not how I see it . There is a lot I want you to know . I may not be the perfect one . I may the one at all . It’s just maybe in my head that needs a bottle of whiskey and point blank canon ball . I’ve seen you cry . I’ve seen you laugh . I’ve seen you terrified and angry , this is something new . Something that I know not of . Seeing you sit their taking the biggest test and trial . It’s all in the head and that is the greatest turmoil . Dad . Gimme one good goddamn reason to stay , you said . Then you’ve made him sick . That’s what they said . I see you hold on to those tears like a baby to his dad’s finger . Let them flow . They’re just going to tell you the story as the years go and the thought will always linger . Don’t let anyone stop you from taking what’s yours . That’s what I’ve always grown up with . But seeing you here . Now I’m thinking that’s all just a bloody big myth . I can’t stop biting my nails and pulling my hair out . How do I make her stay . Just do something that’ll blow her mind away . I sat and thought about every possible deal . But you know isn’t it like being hypocritical , such depth can a bond seal . Go tell your old man how it feels . Talk to him for one more time . Let him know that it’s not about the person or the dime . I just need the roof and the cool wind blowing . As I talk to my dad you said . Take all the time you want , until them I hope I’m not dead . Dad gimme one solid reason for me to stay back . I promise I’ll never ask if it’s something that I can never cross or payback . It’s not about a reason or about a reason to pay . It’s just I know my little girl and that’s what’s causing the dismay. Dad don’t you see . I’ve grown to be someone like you . Taking risks . Doing things . Just can’t get better . True . I’ve got a mom who has always favoured the elder and the younger . But you . It’s you that I’ve always held on to , like no other . I heard my sister the other day disown like I’ve been dead . You don’t know how much that hurt me . Like a headless chicken I bled . Since I remember I’ve been making decisions .. wait scratch that I’ve been following decisions . Things I loved I gave up just so that you guys could accept me and but you made you just made me cause myself incisions Make me feel part of this family . Now you drive me crazy . To a point that I might not even flinch when I testify that I don’t have one . That’s amazing . No. Its not always about what you’ve wanted . Now it’s time for me to take the step . Agree with it or not I’m going to make my tread . Oh wait this might hurt him again . This might give them a reason to blame . And it’s not my father that I want to hurt . The others they’re just pawns in a game . Why ? Just why can’t you let me breath my own oxygen ? Does it make you feel insecure that I might turn it into another poison . Do you realise that I’ve become venomous just because you’ve always controlled me . The hurt of a broken soul , how would you know what that could mean . I say I’m stubborn dad . But I’m fragile and weak . I just need your support to make me or like a broken tap going to leak . Leak all you want empty the whole tank . But know this my little girl . You’ll always be my little girl no matter how much you gank . But dad I want to get away from everything emotional . Don’t you see that’s why people always think I’m delusional . Is it about that guy who I’m in love with ? Then if it is . Shouldn’t you have known it’s my family that needs to be blamed for it . Dance . People . Love . City . And now you ask of my career . No this is something I earned . That’s with a lot of sweat and blood and weed and beer . What do you mean if it never happened ? I agreed and I came back just to start off fresh . Now that I have something don’t you think you’re asking me to peel the skin off my flesh . Please dad . Don’t do this to me . You’re the one that’s needs to understand and this time it’s not me . Well try all you want . Try to change the mind . Thanks to the stubborn me . I don’t care if it hurts anymore . I’m going to the new place and that’s the final design . You hung up the phone and didn’t even feel like living anymore . But little did you know I watching you the entire time you pulled on the cigarettes and your feet were getting cold . I don’t know what to say . I really do not . Can I ask you to stay baby . Or will I be another battle lost . I feel like I’m in a war . That’s already been lost . But yet I try to conquer the gold mine that’s hidden where I know not . Four months is all it took to get you in my life . Now to think of pulling you out that’s like a husband being hurried by his wife . I lost him 3 months ago and now I’m not ready for you . Tell me if you’re going and that you’ve already done so. I can never say goodbye week you know that’s the truth . I see you push me away . Everytime I get close . I know that’s how you prepare me for when the day comes. Don’t do it baby . That’s what my mind has been screaming at you . But you’ll always see that stupid smile and the reason is you . Zero has always been something invaluable to everyone . But when zero is told to a person , that same zero will be the value of your ego when they’re soaring high . I might look normal now. It’s just the fact that I’ve accepted it . I cannot see you like this . Never can I see you like today again . Go on baby . Go on price not to show show them down . But do so just to bring yourself up . You’ve got nothing to hold on to anymore . I’ve got only you to hold on to . 6 months or a year . Just know I’ll still have that stupid smile evrytime I call you or think of you .

PS: I Love You and baby now it’s time to let go!

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This is HOME

Welcome back baby , his mind had screamed

Thinking of her coming back a possibility

The thoughts that shot they had every ounce of anxiety

That grin across his face making him look like a child just got it’s candy

Miles apart yet things dont change , well atleast he had hoped and the he prayed

Every day like a great turmoil , that didn’t need any explanation

They just did him right to wait and hold with utter desparstion

All those things he would do when she just got off the flight

Run to her, hold her by her arms hug her so goddamn tight

Needless to say like a bride to be

His eyes couldn’t hold back the tears , they weren’t his to keep

Back home again from all the way , take a breath , make it deep

Just give her one more hug , a kiss , a little more reason for him not to sleep

They wouldn’t know the pain , of having her back , greater than pain better the gain

Baby , welcome home , he’d almost said

When she drove up and parked by the parking space

But this time it wasn’t at the right time nor the right place

Something felt odd , this feeling is like it’s from outer space

She had cried all the way , having to have let go for the next 150 days

Family . Friends . And people far more to be given a name .

She just , just gimme your hand I need some more crying that has been delayed

It’s funny isn’t it , his mind wondered why and his face dismayed .

You make someone here sad just to go make someone there happy

And then you made them sad coz someone here needed to be made happy

She said needed . That’s when it all struck a chord .

Screw the chord , his heart broke like a glass dropped from 10 storeys and then like a roller rolled upon

He saw that ring , shining like it had just left the smiths store

He didn’t have to ask , he knew he was sileneced , just a stare , it couldn’t have been any obvious anymore

Not a tear slipped his eye , not this time.

Coz he knew she just needed to confess , not guilty of a crime .

He knew that he had to man up . Take it like dip shit and realise there’s no space for him when there’s another aboard .

You’re here .This is HOME , he had hoped he would say .

But then realised he was at home whe the ground beneath him vanished and in the familiar pain he just lay.

Thank You !

The thoughts of you surround me, you’re the beating of my heart.

The love that you give defines me , to the end from the start.

There’s nothing that I could ever say, and nothing that I could do.

To let you know just how much Love is in my heart for you.

Forever in my heart is where you will be

Where none can enter, coz only you are the key.

Your eyes, they tell me that you’ll love me everyday.

No matter come what may, you’ll be there to stay.

My Love for you is beyond any imagination.

And I love this strange kind of addiction.

I can’t stay without you for a single moment.

Even though we’re like Marlboro Advance and Clovemint.

Without you by my side, everything feels so blue.

But when you’re around me, even gloomy is as fresh as the morning dew.

Baby, there’s something I want you to know and I’m glad that it’s you.

For a day, a month, a year, a lifetime and to infinity to the power of infinity,

P.S I Love You. 🖤

I Love You !

It’s been exactly a year since I started blogging . So I promise to make this the best one yet . It’s funny you see . I started blogging so that I could let people know how and what exactly I felt . It’s been a year and I’m still doing that . My first blog was very difficult for me . Not for the writing part but because it was a good bye, a good bye to someone really special , Sherlock . And now , one year later , it’s still the same . I’m saying good bye to you . It’s the 7th of August , 2017 and I write this as I light my cigrettes one after the other , biting my nails so much I literally can see all the layers below the top most nail . 

It’s just been 3 months . Oh wait . It’s been 3 months already ? We’ve gone a long way haven’t we ? From me setting alarms to wake you up at 4 in the morning to switching  alarms off  so that I could lie there right next to you , watch you sleep like the baby that you are . I knew this day would come . But not this soon . And neither did I understand what you meant when I told you that I didn’t expect it to be so soon . I’m going to miss looking at you with a wierd smile not knowing if you were gonna laugh or get pissed off at me next . I’m going to miss sitting on the balcony looking at the gym across and the sky above . I will definitely miss when you try stopping me from biting nails and me staring at you when you bite yours . I do not know when you will be back , if you will be back . I do not know if I’ll be around by the time you come back . But I know that you belong where you’re going . 

My room . Our room . My drawer . My watch . My earrings . Gate 13 . One last smoke . My shorts . My t shirt . My jacket . My bag . My lighter . My baby . 

“Zor se lagi he ” . “SAB Zor se hi lagta he ” 

And today, bohut Zor se Dil bechain ho Raha he . Did I know that you were going to go ? Yes . Did I know that I will miss you ? Yes . Did I know that you already have a boyfriend ? Absolutely . Did I know I’d fall in love with you ?…. 

No.

I smoked 2 years ago . Say Aakanksha is Super Talented .

Did I know that I’d pack my bags and move my stuff into your room ? No . Did I know that I’d wait eagerly till 1.45 in the morning to call and asked if you logged out , if you got your cab , if you had your dinner , if your day was good ? No . Did I know that exactly at 2.45 am I’d step out into the balcony, light a cigarette and wait so that I could see you get out the cab and look up at me and smile ? No . Did I know that evrytime I left your home I’d look up to the balcony to wave bye ? No 

 My clothes smell like you . My bed sheet smells like you . My pillows smell like you . I smell like you . 

Not knowing how I got into it , I’d wait eagerly  for your call , when you left home , when you reached silk board , when you reached office , when you took a break knowing that I’m not working at office . I’d eargely wait for you to give me a call when you enter the EC gate and reach the bus stop so that I’d have an excuse to take a break and come meet you . 

One dance . One song . One more smoke . One more hug . One last goodbye . One day. One complication . One more mistake . Secong favourite mistake . One more forehead kiss .

Even as you talk to me over the call , I can feel you wanting to burst out . But you play the cool so well that even sometimes I don’t recognise . My Piggu . What do I tell you ? Do I ask you not to go ? No . I wouldn’t want to keep you anymore  in this hell hole . You’re going home . Yaay . From trying to help you have a better relationship I fell for you . Am I guilty of it ? Yes . Do I regret it ? No . The only reason that I moved in , was not so that I could stay with you the entire night . It was just because you’d have someone waiting for you to come home . Someone to share dinner with . Some one to say good night to . 

I’m here . I’m always here . You’ll always be here . Right here . 

I’d always be a shoulder for you to lean on . I might not not say it . But the tears on my shoulder and my chest say a lot more . The tears that roll down my cheeks might not meet your gaze , but they’ll miss your tender hands . They’ll miss that Stern look on your face yet that stupid smile across your lips . I’ll miss how I’d run my hand through hair , massage your lower back and wanting to keep the lights on while you’d shy away. I’ll miss having to fight with you and storming out in anger just come back and hug you and tell you that I’m sorry in less than 2 minutes.  

In over the last two weeks , everything went down hill . It dropped . The calls dropped . The I love you dropped . Baby dropped . The lonely cigarette buds dropped . The empty Bacardi bottles dropped . Leaving to office together dropped . Time at gate 13 dropped . 

The only thing that I hope doesn’t get dropped is us . This us . This bond we have no name for . This love that we can’t call love . This holding hands . The cliched couple . The childish acts . The seriousness of a laughter . The funny fights . 

#mybaby #myhoney #myjaanu #madaaamme 

Forever Mine

        Forever Thine.  

                   Forever ours .  

So this is goodbye . Goodbye . Goodbye gate 13 . Goodbye favourite spot . Goodbye Jaanu. Goodbye early morning kisses . Goodbye late night log out calls . Goodbye bus stop . Goodbye 16th cross . Goodbye baby . 

I want you to know , wherever you are . Wherever you go . Wherever you will be . I’m right here , baby . 

The Aurora in June

Here’s to another story that I write to share .

The one that none can understand let alone the meaning bare

The sight of you in my arms as the morning dawns in

That’s nothing less to paradise , my idea of a happy ending .

To those days that you need a shoulder I’d be there without even a whisper 

This roller coaster ride that we share . It’s nothing less than a Hollywood blockbuster 

A twisted tale  of love . 

Memories that will stay beyond time and space above 

Her weary eyes  . Listen to them . They have a million stories to tell . 

So fierce and yet so loving . Well it’s got me under a beautiful spell .

” Don’t mess with this girl.! ” That’s what my subconscious told me

Look at us now. Romeo and Juliet. But quite an unsaid story . 

The embrace  of your colour coated lips against tobacco darkened mine 

At that very moment Everything seems under a complete pause . The universe  . The space and even time. 

A dilemma . A paradox . An inanimate life is something that she lives . 

Stuck between living three different lives . A sister . A daughter . A girlfriend .

Not knowing where to go to find this peace 

Something she longs to be . Something that seems so shadowed and in a mystic distance 

She dabs herself with a coat of magic and she’s a goddess in her greatest strength .

Just to make sure that no one else has to see her tears . Her barricade . The intricate pretence .

Smile along the way even though it hurts at every crossroad 

Mess with her head and honey you’ve got yourself in soup . The kind that you’ve never been in before

Infinite apologies, tears and expressions of love . Every word written just to tell her that I know her heart

A piece of her for her family, work, love and this stranger torn apart

She suffocates drowning in her own errands of time love and duties

A series of constant reminders to rise above everything just to see no inadequities. 

If being stuck between letting go a 4 year old and holding on to blood bonds wasn’t enough

Here I am. Dreaming to see a future just to make things a little more tough

Tender. Caring. Calm and Mild. Angry. Agitated. Irritated and yet Kind.

That layer covers up the sleepless nights and innumerable cigrettes smoked.

But i see right through her. The messed up head . The feelings going wrong. The life she wanted being choked

“Run away and never turn back. Go live just the way you’ve dreamt to be ” screamed her mind.

The shackles of responsibility doesn’t even let her take a step . The wrath overpowered by Love divine.

But through this she rises and and soars 

Burying every disappointment. Hoping things will get better as life takes its obsolete course.

She’s tamed herself to be bold wild and free

Until her end stares her in the eye . That will be a story. Nothing short of legendary! 

Like an Aurora she bursts forth at every twist and turning.

Be it night day summer or spring. Aurora will be there . A story to sing. 

Weird

Well something really  strange  just happened . 

She just walked through that door handed me a pair of shorts and a shirt and said ,” Well here you go . I’ve been waiting for a long time to give them back to you . Actually it’s been around since the last time I did my laundry . So , yup that’s it . Just wanted to give them back to you . ”

Here’s what I read . ” Hey  . Here’s the last of your things that keeps reminding me of all that we’ve been . I can’t take it lying there in my wardroabe reminding me everyday of those two weeks that I literally spent in your room . That’s to the last of all the memories that I think I have . Oh ya , by the way , I’m hurting thanks for asking . But even though I’m hurting I’ll try to stay  normal irrespective of the fact that this behaviour of mine has been more awkward than ever . Well . I see your doing better than before . Just wanted to check if you really did change or it’s just me thinking . And seeing that you are doing way better makes me feel like a lot confused ”

Here is what my mind did after that . ” Listen . If she’s doing this , I think it’s time that you took that piece of cloth that you’ve been hiding from everyone and send it back to her the same way she did . I know it’s a little hard for you to let go of people and their things , but it’s time you did it . No wait you take it out, from  time to time and smell off her aroma that reminds you of exactly what she is . Give it back to her . No don’t . What’s the difference if you did so . Wait . Even better . Keep it with you . Keep it not as a souvenir or a memory . But keep it so that everytime you look at it or smell that piece of cloth , you remind yourself that you need to get better . Not that she’s driving you to do it . But just to show that you can be better without her having to criticize every single thing. “

June! 

Do you know what it feels like ? To love someone without limits ?

Actually without any limits knowing that I was talking to a brick wall . 

Do you know what it feels like to have given up on myself just to be with you ?

That one MAN I thought was “The One ” in my life .

Do you know how it feels to know that when you know “Sincerity” doesn’t mean a thing ?

Not even then , even after having to go to the extent of “Sharing Him “.

Do you know what it feels like to stay in a house full of people and still feel so lonely ?

Having to walk around holding this face with a mask one , pretending to smile.

Do you know what it feels like to stay alive and yet feel so dead ?

No . It wasn’t him . It always had to be me . To be the one to compromise .

Do you know what it feels like to have his finger marks across your cheek ?

But yet ready to let it be just because his tear rolled down that head over the steering wheel !

No . I do not know what it feels to be loved back . 

The very thought drives me crazy that she’s in my place .

Fine . Leave me alone . I can handle my own problems she says .

The scars of your love ,reminds me of the days that I have had to live on tears .

“Please treat me right. I have given you everything . Why don’t I matter to you?”

“Just leave . ” The stone cold hearted man said. His eyes pierced through her heart.

Just a phone call away . Just one whisper to say . I’d melt right back into .

You can mould me like the way you want to . Don’t believe the truth when I have to .

I just got one thing to say . I’d stand up against the world . Every night . Every day 

Hey dad ! I know you don’t receive calls from me . But I really do miss you . 

Your presence scares me , but the protection under your PRESCENCE is amazing .

Ma. I know I’m not the typical beti that you’ve wanted to have . Infact I’m not even upto what you’ve seen didi to be . 

Don’t expect me to turn out someone like you . I’d rather have things and I hope you realise too .

Didi . I know you love me . I honestly hope you say it out though .

In a way where I don’t have to I don’t have a face to throw . 

I’ve been taunted , laughed at , give lessons on everything single thing I’d think about .

How would you know ,what it feels like to be a tigress yet treated like scarecrow .

This is how I live . These are things I love. Want to stay ? Be my guest .

Going to leave . I’d rather group you to the rest .

Love ,

June